Switch The Pitch

RBNY Fans Keep Busy By Penning Parody Letters

The staff of Switch the Pitch have been mindlessly scrolling through Twitter with the best of them these days. Much to our surprise (and amusement), we came across this pair on Twitter, who write letters to each other as if New York Red Bulls midfielder, Daniel Royer, was a Civil War general and his devoted wife, Abigail, awaits his return from war.

Of course, we had to ask ‘General Royer’ and ‘Abigail if they would compose something a little longer than their usual 240 character letters for Switch the Pitch. Fortunately, they both obliged. Enjoy this lighthearted exchange and make sure to follow them both on Twitter for more laughs @GenDRoyer77 and @Royer_Mrs .

Dearest Abigail, 

This plague goes on and on with no end in sight. So I have decided to take an oath of solitude until this pestilence is purged from the lands.

Commander Armas says that we must be ready at any time. I long to be on the shores of the mighty Passaic River and the ability to lead the troops of The Metro for glory in the great war of the MLS Cup.

We have been told that the earliest we can begin to think about playing again is in three to four fortnights. Until then, I need to create new ways to keep my saber sharp for battle.

Being forced to turn makeshift parlors into indoor gymnasiums has proven to be quite the struggle, however, through personal spirit and imaginative redecorating, the farmhouse has proven to be quite a worthy replacement to the barracks at Fort Red Bull.

Things around the farmhouse that have been keeping me busy have been the quill and the land. Both these skills have proven to be worthwhile ventures. Cultivators of the earth are the most valuable citizens. They are the most vigorous, the most independent, the most virtuous, and they are tied to their country and wedded to its liberty and interests by the most lasting bonds. As long, therefore, as they can find employment in this line, I would not convert them into mariners, artisans, or anything else.

The quill is essential because the liberty of speaking and writing guards our other liberties. Controlling the mind and body becomes essential because they will feed the wolves of combat that fight on among the spectators of our glorious South Ward.

The memories of battles there and the defense of our beloved Fort are memories that are the nearest to my heart. Vanquishing General Zlatan and the Galaxy Battalion two years ago, and hoisting the Shield of Supporters glory has been truly wonderful and are cherished memories that I hold dear.

We mourn and salute former members of the regiment, Sgt. Wright-Phillips and Captain Robles were valuable and we miss having them around the encampment. The good Sgt. would always tell great campfire stories of battles previous with the former members of the regiment like Corporal Cahill and the former General Henry.

I wish you well Abigail, take care of the children’s studies, and make sure they are aware of their penmanship. This solitude shall not be long and we shall be together again at our beloved Fort Red Bull Arena defending our great Fortress and continuing on towards our march for glory. Light the fires. Keep the faith. All will be well. 

Warmest Regards, 

General D Royer #RBNY

My Dearest Daniel,


Local authorities send missives to the homestead daily. They confirm your sentiment: the quarantine shall hold. There is still a chill in the air these days, which does little for the spirit. I long for the days of sunshine when our friends in the South Ward would greet us both with revelry and a hunger for battle. There are many among them who maintain the peace and treat the ill. My prayers and well wishes go out to them all. So many have been affected by this plague, and we must remember that health is paramount. 


At this point, variety is the surest way to keep the days in account. With the children’s lessons and my own journal at my side, I am not without occupation. We do what we can to maintain a variety of entertainments. There are music and parlor games to keep the mind sharp; reading and keeping open lines of communication with relatives and friends far afield combat loneliness. I will be sure to pass along the sundry messages to you as I receive them.


Despite all these distractions, the war still weighs heavily on my mind. I try not to burden you, as many have great expectations for you and your regiment during this stalled campaign. But I am encouraged by your preparations and those of your brothers-in-arms. Lieutenants Valot and Parker have told of their exercises with their trusted canine companions. Anyone who has such a valuable presence at their side should consider themselves fortunate. 


We shall, someday soon, all meet again on the shores of the Passaic. The banners shall fly. The battle shall proceed. Your leadership shall prove invaluable. Though I know you are sad for those comrades who are gone, the likes of Privates Seagrist and Jensen will need you more than ever in the coming weeks. Draw from their strength, as the children and I do from you.


I keep the faith. 


Ever Yours, 


Abigail

Featured image: Simplicity and New York Red Bulls

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